It is normal to be mad…

For much of my life, I experienced suffering from the impacts of violence. As a young child, I found refuge in creativity. And grew up to be a performing artist.From 10 years of age till now (37 years of age) I experienced a more subtle kind of suffering. The suffering that comes from dedicating my life to chasing fantasy. 

No matter how good a performance. Regardless of how wholesome my performance intentions became. No matter what I was making or performing for.  It never was enough, I never felt satisfied. There was never enough appraisal, never enough fame or success, never enough external validation.I was feeding a perpetually hungry monster that lives off what others think.

Regardless how hard I trained. How much effort I put in. What qualifications I attained. I was unable to find stability. Constantly living on the edge. Unable to provide for myself, let alone others.

Creativity is a powerful form of harm reduction. Many of us are trying to survive in a culture where fitting in means denying who we are, self-sabotage, workaholism, risk-taking behaviour, sex, drugs, alcohol you name it. Anything to numb the truths of our individual and collective pain.

In my early 20s life was catapulted in a new direction. Thinking of this time I’ve often felt I could have died young in a horrible way. Instead, I went ‘mad’. And going mad saved my life.

I came in contact with the dhamma first through the widespread Vipassana meditation courses. I disclosed to a wise and compassionate friend that I was homeless and losing my mind. He sent me packing to eventually gage my first taste. Dhamma didn’t heal my trauma. It laid the conditions for healing to be possible.

For many years I practised Vipassana meditation unbeknownst there was anything else to it. Then, through the generosity of a romantic partner, much later, I came in touch with the teachings of the Buddha. And began my journey on the Noble Eightfold Path.

In the ‘mad’ period, where spirituality came into my life. There was a pivotal point in which I felt moved by compassion to serve. It makes sense that my sense of self preserved itself in this activeness in the world. I then attempted to save others from the horrors I had known earlier in this life. Alongside my performing artist identity, I became consumed by the peer educator identity, the advocate identity, and the activist identity. I was restless as I juggled them all. 

When the father that I never knew. The man I’d learnt was ‘Paranoid Schizophrenic’. Who’s existence warned me of the bio-medical, system perhaps saving me from chronic confinement. Died. I suddenly felt it was ok to lead a spiritual life. And I started giving myself permission to let go. With practice, faith grew and I trusted that bringing peace to myself was enough of a gift to this world. Happy there could be one more peaceful human being.

My father had been a symbol of spirituality throughout my life. And I felt our going mad was a ‘mad gift’. An actual waking up to the truth of things. Not a hereditary disease. That dad had gifted me this. And I am forever grateful, for what both my parents have given me.

I have noticed my identities fusing. Attempts to live life simpler. And now I’ve decided to speak openly about dhamma in the context of livelihood. Dhamma is always everywhere. Maybe I was trying to segregate it before. An impossible task that was exhausting me. 

Today I find myself intentionally in the process of giving up. And seeing it takes a lot of deal-making to get this self to let go of so many things. In order to give up, one self-negotiation concluded that I need to at least attempt to give away what may be of benefit.

Here I wish to give away any skills, experience and abilities I have accrued. I no longer wish to own any of these. Keep them for myself. For my sole profit in a worldly sense.

Just because I wish for this. Doesn’t mean it is possible. The reality is I am entangled. And in the process of giving away there will still be the challenges of gain and loss, praise and blame, fame and disrepute. The reality is I still have a fragile ego. And by coming out, so to speak. And bringing Spirituality to the context of livelihood the dangers of Spiritual Materialism are amplified. I hope I can navigate this. Please tell me when I am not.

On this website you will find that which I have not been able to abandon. If you would like for me to share anything offered, you can contact me.

I am offering sincerely, and freely. And offerings can be found here. I still acknowledge the reality of my current circumstance. That I still need material support. I have no intentions to commodify Spirituality. As my understanding is dhamma was taught in compassion for all beings. It cannot be made exclusive. And Spirituality is still a part of, what I am offering.

I feel ok with receiving money in the spirit of gift, as an act of appreciation for what I am giving. Care work, Mental health work, and Arts/Music-based work. Not for ‘Spirituality’. I sense some people may be confused, and question how this is giving away if I am receiving money? I recommend Charles Eisenstein’s writings, courses, advocacy on gift economics for a better grasp at what I mean. And as an act of self-compassion, and ridding my own idealism my offer of teaching needs be a trade at this stage. Until I am in a better financial situation.

I have set up a Patreon account for any who wish to materially support.