In mid 2011 I had a breakdown. I remember standing on my bed, banging the wall endless tears falling down my face thinking ‘I don’t fit’, ‘ I don’t fit into this world!’.

Mental health has been a theme in mine, and my families life. My father was diagnosed with ‘Paranoid Schizophrenia’, and it felt like that was all I was told about him as a child as an explanation as to why he wasn’t present. My mother was unsurprisingly diagnosed with ‘PTSD’ and ‘Clinical Depression’ when she was experiencing domestic violence in her next marriage. I was carted off to a local counsellor in my teens because ‘I wasn’t behaving’, diagnosed with ‘Depression’, just before I was kicked out of home.

At 16 I turned to drugs as a way to survive/self-sooth/escape. Unlike I was told, and ended up believing, my half sisters ended up facing similar abuse. I tried my best to care for my mother and younger siblings. And eventually found forgiveness a key step in healing.

It was 2011 when I experienced a major shift. It began as a breakdown. Perhaps if I had seen someone I would’ve been found to be in a ‘Drug-induced Psychosis’, or ‘Psychotic’. Maybe even ‘Paranoid Schizophrenic’ like my dad, I will never know.

I began to withdraw from the world in which I was actually doing a lot of harm to myself and others. And with unherald clarity willfully walked towards peace. Today I find it fascinating that I used the words ‘purifying my mind’ at the time. Renounced my job, my home, material belongings, to begin wandering around houseless, for periods not using money.

Jungian John Weir Perry called psychosis psychic renewal. I prefer this. He has best described my experience. Many around the world identify with ‘Spiritual Emergence’ and ‘Spiritual Emergency’ depending on factors. Like most, I moved between. Lucky to only brush with danger hitchhiking lone, young, mad. Only one pitiful attempt of force by a driver, that I still shook up escaped. I would have been safer if there were non-clinical places to go in common knowledge for people in altered states. I felt psychiatry had brutally failed my father so I wasn’t going to turn to it for help.

I removed myself from the big city and found myself in environmental protest camps. First Bilston Glen, and then ZAD. Later rural-urban squat Can Piella and Barcelona’s PANSAS. I was significantly transformed by these environments. I grew up a Northern Beaches surfer chick. Had just come out of a hedonist art/club culture in London. And now I was in the heart of direct action mixing with as radical people as they come.

My neurodiversity was fully accepted. Self-determination and autonomy were paramount to these cultures. I fell in love with learning, and became an autodidactic. Very curious about self-organised systems that I was witnessing within the emergent anarchist organising around me.

Traveling alone. Unlearning and researching I began to understand my own madness. This was not without other helpful friends. One friend was stream of consciousness writing which begun very strangely the night of the initial breakdown. A obsessive, intensive, perhaps possessive practice placed thoughts in vision. So I could no longer obscure the truth. I sense this as the startings of a practice of non-self.

A few months after the breakdown I arrived at a Vipassana meditation centre which that life-saving friend booked me in to. Beginning a very disciplined meditation practice. It felt a significant chunk of the violence that happened in childhood was given perspective. I had my first real taste of peace. Changing the trajectory of my life thereafter.

Over a period of around 7-months I transitioned through crises, spiritual emergency—— to emergence. I have heard teachers mention something along the lines of; when the inside of your mind is pitch black even the strike of a small match can be like fireworks. I reached a place of not needing to wander anymore. And returned to my birth place with an intention to serve.

Back home I wished to raise awareness that extraordinary experiences labelled and treated as ‘mental illnesses’ are regenerative processes of psychic renewal. I believed these experiences with care can be catalysts for societal healing and transformation. Yet I did not know how to go about this.

At first I contemplated studying to become a psychologist. And around the same time I took myself to the hospital my father was once admitted and signed up to volunteer. Little did I know I was becoming a ‘consumer advocate’. I felt far removed from the the people I was working with. I did not see myself as a consumer. I never used psychiatric drugs (except for in my teens because when my GP prescribed antidepressants that resulted in suicidality and attempts!). Even the word consumer wasn’t the right fit for me as I didn’t consume the bio-medical/psychiatric treatments. After around 3 years volunteering I left feeling thoroughly upset by what I saw as failures of the system. I hoped if I made efforts in education, I could potentially prevent people getting into this mess.

I continued practicing Vipassana meditation whilst working as an artist and educator. Also studying completing a Graduate Diploma in Experiential and Creative Arts Therapy at The MIECAT Institute in Melbourne. I had good enough conditions to continue addressing my own trauma and started meeting with a Sensori-Motor therapist. This modality resonated with what I had come to value in Vipassana meditation. The wisdom of the body. At some point during this process I read Pete Walker’s Complex PTSD: From surviving to thriving and shifted from an anti-diagnosis view, to taking on diagnosis. Leaving me not so hung up on diagnosis.

I took work in public and private schools across Australia. With babies and infants at child care centre’s. And with primary aged children at Sydney youth-led Shopfront Arts Co. Yet always felt a misfit. Essentially the heart of what I was exploring was spirituality. And spirituality was not what was being asked for by the employer, client, or culture.

I continued creating work as an independent artist. Mainly in the field of vocal performance, sometimes branching out. Spanning performing arts institutions and galleries; The Museum of New and Old Art (MONA), Heima Arts Residency (Iceland), The Museum of Arts and Applied Sciences (Powerhouse Museum), Culture At Work.

In 2016 I connected with a master of the ancient singing tradition Pansori in Korea. I had been playing music with many Conservatorium students that had mastered there instruments. And I felt I barely kept up. I had a strange affinity with the sound my future teacher was making. It all makes sense to me now why I studied Pansori. I remember this teacher Bae Il Dong used to say that I was the student that loved theory. For the first time I was seeing my inner spiritual world lining up with the way music is.

At some point I met a partner at the end of a Vipassana Meditation course. And he started taking to me Bhante Sujato’s friday night sessions in Harris Park Community Centre. I began practicing the noble eightfold path. Attending various teachers talks, meditations and retreats in the Thai forest lineage and sometimes beyond.

In 2019 I was employed by The Black Dog Institute for a Brokered Dialogue project drawing on my lived experience of youth mental health and addictions. I was invited on a panel at a big symposium in the humongous ICC Sydney: International Convention & Exhibition Centre. I left questioning if anything I contributed made much difference. The project was canned when we’d barely started.

In the midst of the pandemic I was lucky to leave the big smoke and live on Gundungurra and Darug Country. I deeply wished to de-colonisation, and hardly knew what that meant. I took my knowledge and practice of Pansori into the Valley of the Waters. Began singing with Flora’s Bath, for approx. 13 months.

During this time I worked inside the Ministry of Health with Kath Thorburn of Inside and out Associates, and artist Gav Barbey. My role was Co-design Facilitator for the first Safe Haven for children at Sydney Children’s Hospital. I felt utterly privileged to listen to what young people with experience of suicidality needed. And did my best to advocate for it. It was difficult to hand over all that they had contributed. In the hope the hospital would follow through.

In 2022 I was sponsored by the Australian Democratic Education Community to attend the yearly International Democratic Education Conference in the UK. Just three weeks before I was due to fly my father died. I had been searching for him on and off my adult life. The police contacted me as next of kin. And I learnt more of my father’s story. He had been homeless, drifting throughout the late 80s and 90s. And eventually someone from The Brown Nurses along with Matthew Talbot Hostel advocated for him to get housing. He took his meds until the day he died. And died of lung cancer. On the first day he was first hospitalised he took up smoking chronically after being a bodybuilder, gym junkie, and health obsessed human. It seems a common occurance in psych wards. He died in a tiny little public housing bedsit just down the road from me. For me that building came across a disturbing place. I don’t know how it would’ve been living there. In the weeks leading up to his death he shared with a support worker that he felt he “had no one in the world”. The Brown Nurses and disability support organisation Caura financed and organised the funeral supporting me throughout the entire process. I was blown away. The service was filled with health care workers, and many volunteers. It was a testament to humanity.

Singing with Flora’s Bath led me to sing with 16 sites of distress around the world. Whilst I was traveling I met with various professionals in the fields of my interest. And visited alternative schools that were part of the Re-imagining Education network I had become a part of. As I had been practicing in a zen group in The Blue Mountains, and was sparked by the teachings of Kodo Sawaki I went to sesshin in Antaiji. After hearing a teaching from former abbot Muho that felt like a warning. If I wanted to progress further on the path it is best not waste time picking at side dishes. I knew the Thai Forest tradition was ‘my main dish’.

When I returned to the Blue Mountains I had the inclination for spirituality to take a more front and centre role in livelihood. A bhikkuni- Ayya Suvira offered to support me moving back to Sydney. In exchange for supporting her on alms in Cabramatta. I spent just over a year and a half working as her assistant, a kappier.

During this time I studied Mental Health Ministry so that I could bring dhamma to psych wards. I completed the introduction and CPE1 training with the Mental Health CPE centre. I also trained in Emotional-CPR. As many advocates I knew around the world were saying such things about this response.

In 2023 I put together a show to share the ‘Singing with Distress’ journey. I was given a slot in the Sydney Fringe disability/access festival; Limitless. Ironically, the last time I did such a thing was Edinburgh Fringe in 2012. When I was experiencing paranoia, delusions, hallucinations and homelessness. I made this show, ‘A Sinkless Shore’ to honour my father. The experience of saying hello and goodbye to him. And to give audiences a more intimate understanding of how trauma is experienced somatically and ecologically.

I closed 2023 hosting a screening of documentary “Drunk on Too Much Life”. It was a very small turn out. I used my own savings to make it happen. Parliament on King, a refugees/asylum seeker run cafe and catering social enterprise kindly donated our dinner. Some travelled many hours from outside Sydney to attend. It reminded me how difficult living with extreme states is in the context of the prevailing bio-medical model. And how cherished solidarity and community is. Especially for those of us are that are marginalised and isolated.

I spent the entire year of 2024 applying for government grants to raise funds for a film and sound production of ‘A Sinkless Shore’. With no success. It did feel like a donkey chasing a carrot on a string. Though the 2022 world trip was partly funded by CREATE NSW so it was hard to let go of this approach. I am very grateful for the state government funding I recieved. In May community crowdfunding raised 10k to produce one single from the album.

In July after multiple scenarios in which I found myself experiencing mental distress on alms round. In self-compassion I concluded I was not fit for the role. The distress would centre around not being able to respond to other’s mental distress. I could not forgo the mental health advocate part of my identity. So I felt it made sense to embrace that part of myself. And focus on responding to mental distress within my personal network as a livelihood. Hosting a Mental Health Ministry peer support group for Buddhists with lived experience on Tuesday nights. And a drop-in Emotional-CPR community of practice on Wednesday nights. Hardly anyone attended these so I ceased offering after 6-months.

The Self-employment Assistance allowance kept me afloat from leaving alms up until jan 2025. I made an effort to transition to living in the gift from July 2024. I documented this journey on youtube and instagram. For 154 days fresh produce (fruit and veg) and sometimes other pantry items sustained me thanks to the generosity of my local community.

I closed 2024 sharing what had moved me throughout the year in a re-development of ‘A Sinkless Shore’ at Local Edition. I shared writings of liberatory harm reduction from alms in notorious Cabramatta. Including documentation of my trials and tribulations of transitioning to a gift economy. And for the second time ever, I sung suttas on stage.